


the internet is scarier than any place in hell

by waving



Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Still Have Powers, Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Mixed Media, Social Media, Texting, Twitter, chatfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2019-11-18 20:30:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18126125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waving/pseuds/waving
Summary: The Inferno@woohoopizzamani want to die.nudedles@noodlefish@woohoopizzaman ??? what's wrong?The Inferno@woohoopizzaman@noodlefish my friends won't stop laughing at me because my brother beat my ass to oblivion, and now i'm in the hospital with a severe case of boredom.[GIF: a man jumping out of a window as the words "SEND HELP" flash across the screen]Terra Scotte@terrascotte@woohoopizzaman is this the same brother who stabbed you with a kitchen knife because you stole his katana?The Inferno@woohoopizzaman@terrascotte that's the bitch.





	1. everyone bullies dante

**Author's Note:**

> a fandom can never have too many chat fics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Red Grave City, home to a certain part-demonic family and their many, many shenanigans.

**McZesty** @McZesty21  
Just saw someone run past the cafeteria with a huge sword on their back... Should I be concerned? #onlyinredgrave #wheresthepolice

* * *

**At Your Recommendation**  @bestfoodplaces  
I’m back! Just checked out Fred's Family Diner. The pizza's great, but the safety regulations are concerning. Do the owners allow people to carry sharp objects into the building?  
[ATTACHMENT: blurry picture of a man with a red jacket and sword at a small diner's checkout counter, taken from behind a booth.]

 **Trishalicious** @notyourmommy  
@woohoopizzaman lmaooooo, called out

 **The Inferno** @woohoopizzaman  
@notyourmommy ......dammit.

* * *

_**jackpot** is typing..._

(2:02)  **jackpot** : are u asleep

_**Vergil** is typing..._

(2:03) **Vergil** : Not anymore.

(2:03) **Vergil** : Why are you texting me?

(2:03)  **jackpot** : i don't wanna stare at ur ugly mug any more than necessary

(2:04) **Vergil** : We have the same face??

(2:04) **Vergil** : I'm going back to sleep. We both have school tomorrow, and I, for one, don't want to miss it.

(2:05)  **jackpot** : hahaha not if i skip :PP

(2:06) **Vergil** : Lady’s not going to be happy with you.

(2:06) **jackpot** : lolol why do u think i'm procrastinating

(2:15)  **jackpot** : hey hey hey hey who do u think dad likes more

(2:16) **jackpot** : it's me isn't it

(2:21) **Vergil** : What?

(2:21) **Vergil** : Dad does  _not_ like you more.

(2:22) **jackpot** : :) are you sure :)

(2:23) **Vergil** : Fight me irl, Dante.

(2:24) **jackpot** : omg verge is finally using internet slang :0

(2:24) **jackpot** : hallejuh, he’s no longer an old man

(2:25) **jackpot** : vergil?

(2:29) **jackpot** : verge

(2:32) ** **jackpot**** : v

(2:32) **jackpot** : v

(2:33) **jackpot** : v

(2:35) **jackpot** : don't ignore me

(2:50)  **jackpot** : i know ur awake, i can see the light from your phone

(2:52)  **jackpot** : wimp

(3:00) **jackpot** : if u got something to say, say it to my face

_**Vergil** is typing..._

_**Vergil** is typing..._

_**Vergil** has exited the chat_

(3:01) **jackpot** : ...vergil?

(3:01) **jackpot** : SHIT SHIT SHIT I WAS KIDDING VERGE 

(3:01) **jackpot** : VERasgkljdhlkj

(3:01) **jackpot** : asdgkjktlh'jrkafjfkhhljasdfghj

 _ **jackpot** has exited the chat_ 

* * *

_Final project grade:_  100% + 1% (Good on you for taking the extra credit)

 _Comments:_ Fantastic work as always, Mary. Though if your partner is sporting a broken arm and several fractured bones, I expect you to  _tell me_ and not lug him up to the stage to present while he's still bleeding.

A+ for effort, though.

* * *

EXCERPT FROM Dr. J. D. Morrison's MEDICAL REPORT:

Patient was admitted at 15:16 by his professor at Red Grave University, who reported bleeding from the scalp, a broken ("crooked") arm, and limping. Patient refuses to disclose the extent of his injuries, though I can make a few educated guesses. Upper arm is bruised and swollen, suggesting a fracture that is healing incorrectly. Knowing Dante, he went to sleep assuming they would mend overnight.

No history of alcohol or drug abuse. (Note: check psychiatric records.) Blood pressure and heartbeat are normal. Patient insists on grumbling through the entire examination, exhibiting all the signs of a disgruntled adolescent and no signs of a concussion. 

Treatment plan: Rest. Aside from superficial injuries, patient is a healthy Caucasian male of nineteen years. With his healing factor, it'll only take a day or two before he's up and running again.

(Don't take that as a challenge, Dante. I know you're reading this over my shoulder.)

* * *

**_My Fair Lady_** _has joined the chat._

_**Your muse** has joined the chat._

**_Trishalicious_** _has joined the chat._

 ** _My Fair Lady_** _changed the chat name to:_ "Dumbasses united"

(5:15) **My Fair Lady** : So Dante's in the hospital (bummer). How much do you want to bet that he'll go stir crazy and bust himself out within three days?

_**Emperor Nero** has joined the chat._

(5:20) ** **Emperor Nero**** : Ooh, are we talking shit about my cuz? uhhhhh

(5:20) **Emperor Nero** : 2 days

(5:21) **Emperor Nero** : No wait, Vergil put him there

(5:21) **Emperor Nero** : _One_ day

(5:21) **My Fair Lady** : Any other takers?

(5:21) **Your muse** : You're overestimating Dante's patience, Nero. Five hours

(5:22)  **Trishalicious:**  if money’s on the line,,,

(5:22)  **Trishalicious:**  kyrie's right. five hours.

(5:22) **My Fair Lady** : Wow you guys have no faith in him

(5:23) **Emperor Nero** : What's your bet?

(5:23) **My Fair Lady** : Three hours and counting

(5:23) **My Fair Lady** : If Dante doesn't bust himself out by 8:30 tonight, I'm gonna lose my shit

(5:24) **My Fair Lady** : And my money

 _ **Trishalicious** changed the chat name to: _"broke ass college students lmao"

 _ **Emperor Nero** changed the chat name to: “_shut up Trish”

(5:24)  **Trishalicious** :OOMPH

(5:24)  **Trishalicious** :i feel disrespected

_**Horny on main** has joined the chat._

(5:29) **Horny on main** : What the hell

(5:29) **Horny on main** : We're betting money and no one invited me?

(5:31) **Your muse** : Hi Nico!! :D

(5:31)  **Emperor** **Nero** : Fuck off Nico

(5:31) **Horny on main** : Getting mixed signals here, so I'm gonna go ahead and ignore Nero because he's fucking useless

(5:32) **Horny on main** : Love you, Kyrie

(5:33) **Your muse** : <3

(5:34) **Emperor** **Nero** : Get away from my girlfriend

* * *

**The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
i want to die.

 **nudedles**  @noodlefish  
@woohoopizzaman ??? what's wrong?

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
@noodlefish my friends won't stop laughing at me because my brother beat my ass to oblivion, and now i'm in the hospital with a severe case of boredom.  
[GIF: a man jumping out of a window as the words "SEND HELP" flash across the screen]

 **Terra Scotte** @terrascotte  
@woohoopizzaman Is this the same brother who stabbed you with a kitchen knife because you stole his katana?

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
@terrascotte that's the bitch.  

 **Huaping**  @huapinghuang016  
@woohoopizzaman @terrascotte @noodlefish I honestly can't tell if this is a shitpost or if this dude actually lives as crazy of a life as his Twitter suggests 

* * *

[Post-it notes from the desk of Dr. J. D. Morrison.] Stop fidgeting, Dante.

[Scrawled in a different handwriting] _i'm bored. the connection here sucks._

Find something to do.

_like what, read a book? i'm not a nerd like my brother_

Says the college student.

_:P ur not my dad_

You're right. But I  _will_ find your father and tell him about the things you've been up to, including almost revealing the presence of demons to the human world. Thank God your Twitter followers think you're joking.

_fine._

_but i'm breaking out_

YOU WILL NOT

_I AM_

DANTE SON OF SPARDA, I WILL  _FIND_ YOU AND THEN I WILL  _KILL_ YOU IF YOU

* * *

**The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
haha i'm outta here  
[ATTACHMENT: a blurry picture of a hospital hallway. The person is obviously running away from someone.]

 **J. D. Morrison** @jdmorrison  
@woohoopizzaman That's it, I'm putting you under house arrest.

* * *

_**My Fair Lady** has joined the chat._

(8:28) **My Fair Lady:** Going on patrol. Feel free to join me if you want to kick some demon ass

* * *

[The video flickers to life. Half-hidden behind a massive slab of concrete, the camera shakes as an explosion rocks the empty street and demolishes a huge chunk of asphalt, billowing smoke across the screen. A voice splits through the carnage, young and frazzled.]

"How the  _fuck_ do you deal with these again— ARE YOU SERIOUSLY RECORDING ME?"

[The person holding the camera suppresses a snicker and adjusts his perch so that the lens is pointed right at the girl in the white blouse, who shoots a scathing glare over her shoulder. There's an oversized bazooka perched on her knee, barrel sleek and shining in the light of the sunset. She is surrounded by a horde of shadowy creatures, each the size of a full-grown panther.

One of the black creatures snarls and leaps into the air, and the girl quickly reciprocates, whirling her bazooka around and aiming. The video blues, struggling to follow the creature's movements as it turns into a spinning blade that slices the air. Someone whistles behind the camera, impressed.]

"Damn, that's pretty cool. Hey, Lady, mind posing for the camera?"

"Why aren’t you helping?"

"I'm on house arrest! Dad even took away Rebellion, see?"

"You still have Ebony and Ivory, don't you? Get off your lazy ass and fight!"

"Excuse you, my ass is one hundred percent awesome. Isn't that right, guys?"

[The camera swivels around, revealing a shit-eating grin and starch white hair. As the boy opens his mouth to speak, an agonized scream splits the air, wiping the smile from his face immediately. He whirls around, staring at the scene.]

"Lady?"

[The dust and debris clears, revealing a figure kneeling in the middle of the road and clutching her arm in pain. One of the creatures takes advantage of her weakness and lunges, teeth bared and claws unsheathed.

The camera is flung aside and rolls along the ground, catching the tail end of the boy's red jacket as he bolts towards the battlefield.]

"Lady!"

* * *

BREAKING NEWS: Emergency call received from abandoned suburbs of city, police still investigating source

_by Margaret Denn_

[...]

Police have confirmed that the victim is Mary Ann, a student at the local Red Grave University. Emergency dispatchers report that the caller was a frantic young man who refused to identify himself but confirmed that the victim was in dire need of medical assistance.

Though they've yet to release an official statement, sources claim that the police believe this could be a targeted attack. Evidence points to multiple assaulters. Police are now considering reopening other cold cases that might contain leads to...

Read more

* * *

(8:01) **Trishalicious** :the doctor's coming out

(8:01)  **Trishalicious** :shit he looks worried

(8:08)  **Trishalicious** :okay, good news

(8:09)  **Trishalicious** : her injuries aren’t fatal

_**jackpot** is typing..._

**_Emperor Nero_** _is typing..._

 **_Your muse_** _is typing..._

 **_Horny on main_** _is typing..._

 **_Vergil_** _is typing..._

(8:10) **Horny on main** :Thank fuck

(8:10) **Your muse** :Is she going to be okay??

(8:10) **Emperor Nero** :What the fuck happened out there, Dante?

(8:10) **Vergil** : There's bad news. 

(8:11)  **Trishalicious** :ONE AT A TIME

(8:11)  **Trishalicious** :@ **Vergil** unfortunately, yes

(8:11)  **Trishalicious** :she's going to be out of it for a while

(8:11)  **Trishalicious** :we can't see her until the doctors give the go-ahead

(8:12)  **Trishalicious** :for now, everyone give her some space

_**jackpot** is typing..._

(8:13)  **Trishalicious** :you too, dante

(8:14)  **jackpot** :...fine

(8:14)  **Trishalicious** :vergil, keep your brother in line. we don't want a repeat incident of sophomore year

(8:15) **Vergil** :Will do.

* * *

(10:34) **jackpot** : hey...

(10:34) **jackpot** : sorry about yesterday, lady

(10:35) **jackpot** : i was being a huge arse

(10:36) **jackpot** : but hey, at least u didn't die? :/

(10:51) **My Fair Lady** : I was in the surgery room for eleven hours.

(10:52) **My Fair Lady** : I'm going to miss the next few weeks of school

(10:52) **My Fair Lady** : And my medical bills are through the roof.

_**jackpot** is typing..._

(10:53) **My Fair Lady** : In case you were wondering, THIS COULD'VE ALL BEEN PREVENTED IF YOU'D LISTENED TO ME

_**jackpot** is typing..._

(10:54) **jackpot** : shit, ur really pissed

(10:56) **jackpot** : look lady, i'm really sorry

(10:56) **jackpot** : sure those demons were really aggressive but u've dealt with worse

(10:58)  **My Fair Lady** : Not the point.

(10:59) **My Fair Lady** : And a friendly reminder: I'm human, Dante. I can't heal as freakishly fast as you can.

_**jackpot** is typing..._

_**jackpot** is typing..._

(11:05) **My Fair Lady** : You know what? Forget it. I doubt you'd understand anyways.

 **_My Fair Lady_ ** _has exited the chat._


	2. an unfortunate announcement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of texts from the Sparda family.

(2:56)  **jackpot** : trish

\--

(3:35)  **jackpot** : trishie

\--

(4:01)  **jackpot** : trishhhhhh

\--

(4:36)  **jackpot** : auntie trish

(4:40)  **jackpot** : trish trish trish trish trish trish

(4:41)  **jackpot** : trish trish trish trish trish trish trish trish trish trish trish trish trish trish

(4:41)  **jackpot** : answer me answer me answer me answer me answer me

_**Trishalicious** has joined the chat._

(4:41)  **Trishalicious** : brat

(4:41)  **jackpot** : answer me answer me

(4:41)  **jackpot** : oh good ur here

(4:42)  **Trishalicious** : i'm kind of in the middle of something

(4:42)  **Trishalicious** : so stop spamming my phone

(4:42)  **jackpot** : trishhhh how do i get lady to talk to me again?

(4:45)  **Trishalicious** : have you tried not being an asshole?

_**jackpot** is typing..._

(4:46)  **jackpot** : :((

(4:46)  **jackpot** : [please.jpg]

(4:46)  **jackpot** : [pwettypwease.jpg]  

(4:47)  **Trishalicious** : the picture won't load but it's a puppy isn't it

(4:47) **jackpot** : (´༎ຶོρ༎ຶོ`)

(4:47)  **jackpot** : _:(´ཀ`」 ∠):

(4:48)  **jackpot** : [pwettypwease.jpg]  

(4:48)  **jackpot** : trishhhhhhhh

(4:48)  **jackpot** : :((

(4:55)  **Trishalicious** : okay fine!

(4:55)  **Trishalicious** : jesus christ you're like a little kid

(4:55)  **jackpot** : ψ(｀∇´)ψ

(4:56)  **Trishalicious** : have you tried begging for forgiveness?

(5:00)  **jackpot** : YES

(5:00)  **jackpot** : but she won't answer any of my texts

(5:01)  **jackpot** : she blocked me on twitter too

(5:02)  **Trishalicious** : well maybe if you stopped being so annoying

(5:02)  **jackpot** : Trish.

(5:03)  **Trishalicious** : fine

(5:05)  **Trishalicious** : buy her some flowers

(5:05)  **Trishalicious** : that always worked for my exes

(5:06)  **jackpot** : i can't

(5:06)  **Trishalicious** : ??

(5:07)  **jackpot** : dad locked the garage

(5:07)  **Trishalicious** : ???? just use cavalier

(5:07)  **jackpot** : and i'm grounded

(5:10)  **Trishalicious** : s

(5:10)  **Trishalicious** : sparda

(5:11)  **Trishalicious** : grounded you

(5:12)  **jackpot** : yah?

(5:12)  **Trishalicious** : and you're actually listening to him

(5:13)  **Trishalicious** : lemme just

 _ **Trishalicious** has exited the chat._ 

(5:15)  **jackpot** : trish i know ur laughing at me

(5:15)  **jackpot** : stop it

(5:16)  **jackpot** : it's not funny

(5:21)  **jackpot** : dad's terrifying when he's mad

_**Trishalicious** has joined the chat._

(5:31)  **Trishalicious** : sorry still can't get over the fact that dante "i'm gonna ride a motorcycle up the side of this building" is afraid of lawyer dad sparda

(5:32)  **Trishalicious** : i'm wheezing

(5:32)  **jackpot** : UM

(5:32)  **jackpot** : "LAWYER DAD"

(5:33)  **jackpot** : EXCUSE U IT'S SPARDATHE _LEGENDARY DARK KNIGHT_

(5:33)  **jackpot** : "LAWYER DAD" MY ASS

(5:34)  **Trishalicious** : _i'm wheezing_

(5:40)  **Trishalicious** : ok what are your other options

(5:41) **jackpot** : what other options?

(5:42)  **Trishalicious** : can you sneak out?

(5:42)  **jackpot** : no but i

(5:42)  **jackpot** : wait

(5:42)  **jackpot** : hold up

(5:43)  **jackpot** : i feel an idea coming

(5:45)  **Trishalicious** : okay?

_**jackpot** is typing..._

(5:46)  **jackpot** : I'M A GENIUS

(5:46)  **Trishalicious** : ????

(5:46)  **Trishalicious** : what's happening

(5:46)  **jackpot** : CATCH U LATER TRISH

(5:47)  **jackpot** : WOOHOOOOHOOOO

_**jackpot** has exited the chat._

(5:47)  **Trishalicious** : ...

(5:47)  **Trishalicious** : ......what

* * *

(5:49)  **jackpot** : dad grounded me

(6:01)  **Vergil** : So?

(6:02) **jackpot** : so i need u to cover for me

_**Vergil** is typing..._

_**Vergil** is typing..._

(6:08) **Vergil** : No.

(6:09)  **jackpot** : awwwww come on verge

(6:09)  **jackpot** : just for like an hour or so

(6:10)  **jackpot** : this is the last time i'll ask u for a favor

_**Vergil** is typing..._

(6:13) **jackpot** : i'll tell dad about the thing

(6:13)  **Vergil** : YOU WOULDN'T.

(6:13)  **jackpot** : i can and i will

(6:13)  **jackpot** : i've got video evidence and everything

(6:14)  **Vergil** : Fine.

(6:14)  **Vergil** : Where do you keep your extra hoodies?

(6:14)  **jackpot** : back of my closet, under nevan

_**Vergil** is typing..._

(6:18)  **Vergil** : This place is filthy.

(6:18)  **Vergil** : Why do you still have this guitar?

(6:19)  **jackpot** : cause it's awesome

(6:19)  **jackpot** : don't forget to act like me!!

(6:20)  **Vergil** : That shouldn't be too difficult. I just have to pretend to be a buffoon for an hour.

(6:21)  **jackpot** : jesus christ verge stop roasting me

(6:22)  **Vergil** : [ATTACHMENT: a cat with sunglasses and the caption "DEAL WITH IT"]

(6:23)  **jackpot** : I'M DEAD

(6:23)  **jackpot** : GOODBYE YOU LITTLE SHIT

(6:23)  **Vergil** : Take Cavalier, it's less noticeable.

(6:24)  **jackpot** : aslgjalkjhgk

\--

(7:00) **Vergil** : Dante, where are you?

(7:07)  **jackpot** : target y?

(7:08) **jackpot** : whats better, red carnations or yellow daffodils

(7:09)  **Vergil** : White orchids. They symbolize sincerity, which is something you lack.

(7:10) **Vergil** : Also, hurry up and come home. Dad has something to tell us and it won't be long before he realizes there's only one twin in the house.

(7:11)  **Vergil** : He looks excited. I think it might be good news.

(7:11)  **jackpot** : oh? [EMOJI: side-eyes]

(7:12)  **jackpot** : b there in a jiffy 

\--

(7:32) **jackpot** : lmao

(7:33)  **Vergil** : Stop laughing, Dante.

(7:33)  **jackpot** : LMAOOOO

(7:33)  **jackpot** : u said it was good news

(7:33)  **jackpot** : FOOLISHNESS VERGIL, FOOLISHNESS

(7:34)  **Vergil** : I’m never speaking to you again.

(7:34)  **jackpot** : u say that, but we all know who ur favorite brother is

(7:35)  **jackpot** : oh man i can’t wait to see nero kick ur ass again when he gets here

* * *

(9:58)  **Trishalicious** : sparda's organizing another family reunion

(9:59)  **Trishalicious** : which is

(9:58)  **Trishalicious** : a  _very_ bad idea considering what happened last year

(10:00)  **Trishalicious** : vergil and nero are going to strangle each other before the night's even begun

(10:23) **My Fair Lady** : So?

(10:23)  **My Fair Lady** : What does that have to do with me?

(10:24)  **Trishalicious** : wow okay

(10:24)  **Trishalicious** : just trying to make small talk

(10:24)  **Trishalicious** : are you still mad at dante for the incident last week?

(10:24)  **Trishalicious** : 'cause if you are, don't take it out on the rest of us

(10:25)  **Trishalicious** : that bitchy attitude isn't going to get you anywhere

_**My Fair Lady**  is typing..._

(10:27)  **My Fair Lady** : ......Sorry

(10:27)  **My Fair Lady** : Just have a lot on my plate right now

(10:27)  **My Fair Lady** : Between school and demon-hunting and this stupid injury, I have no time to relax

(10:28)  **My Fair Lady** : Stress and demons is never a good combination

 **_Trishalicious_** _is typing..._

(10:29)  **Trishalicious** : fair enough

(10:29)  **Trishalicious** : how's the arm?

(10:30)  **My Fair Lady** : It's healing

(10:30)  **My Fair Lady** : Dante's dad took pity on me and sent me a gift basket full of those little green rocks

(10:30)  **My Fair Lady** : So far they're working great, even if they make me a little high

(10:31)  **Trishalicious** : that's good to hear

(10:32)  **Trishalicious** : WAIT he gave you vital stars?

(10:32)  **Trishalicious** : that bitch he told me he ran out

(10:33)  **My Fair Lady** : No?

(10:33)  **My Fair Lady** : He came to my apartment in his uppity noble outfit with a basket of sparkling green jewels

(10:33)  **My Fair Lady** : I'm pretty sure everyone in my apartment building thinks I'm a high-end prostitute now

(10:34)  **Trishalicious** : wow

(10:34)  **My Fair Lady** : Still can't believe he and Dante are related

(10:34)  **Trishalicious** : yeah no kidding

(10:34)  **Trishalicious** : so does this mean you're talking to dante again?

(10:34)  **My Fair Lady** : Are you joking me?

(10:34)  **My Fair Lady** : I've been savoring his ass-kissing for the last week, no way am I letting it end now

(10:35)  **Trishalicious** : lmaoooo

(10:35)  **Trishalicious** : you evil, evil woman

(10:35)  **My Fair Lady** : Thank you

* * *

_**Emperor Nero** has joined the chat._

_**Emperor Nero** changed the chat name to: _"the Sparda kids"

(1:28) **Emperor Nero** : On our way to steal your money and fuck your hoes

(1:28)  **Emperor Nero** : [ATTACHMENT: a picture of a white-haired teen, a brown-haired girl, and a resigned man with a goatee taken from the passenger seat of a very cramped sedan. There's a smear of black poking out from behind a blue cooler that could be the top of someone's head.]

_**jackpot** has joined the chat._

(1:34)  **jackpot** : is that nico? are u smuggling nico across the country?

(1:35)  **jackpot** : ooooooh boy she's in for a wild ride

(1:35)  **Emperor Nero** : Don't worry, I filled her in beforehand

(1:35)  **Emperor Nero** : So she knows all about Fortuna

(1:36)  **jackpot** : ............shit

(1:36)  **Vergil** : Fortuna?

(1:36)  **jackpot** : OMG

(1:36)  **jackpot** : OMG VERGE DOESN'T KNOW

(1:37)  **jackpot** : @ **Emperor Nero** don't u dare tell him

(1:37)  **Emperor Nero** : @ **Vergil** Trust me, you'd rather not know

(1:38)  **Vergil** : I see.

(1:40)  **Vergil** : @ **Emperor Nero** Your new haircut looks ridiculous, by the way.

(1:41)  **jackpot** : !!

(1:41)  **Emperor Nero** : [EMOJI: rolling eyes] Geez, thanks for your input

(1:41)  **Emperor Nero** : V

_**Vergil** has exited the chat._

(1:41)  **jackpot** : LOLOLOL

(1:42)  **Emperor Nero** : HAHHAHAHAHAHAAHA HE RAN AWAY

(1:42)  **jackpot** : U SCARED HIM NERO

(1:42)  **jackpot** : I'M CRYING

\--

(5:49)  **Emperor Nero** : Tell Uncle Sparda that we're almost there

\--

(6:11)  **Emperor Nero** : WE'RE HERE

(6:13)  **Emperor Nero** : Pulling into the driveway right now

(6:15)  **Emperor Nero** : Dante I can see your face in the second-floor windows, you're not being very subtle

(6:15)  **Emperor Nero** : Wow I forgot how huge your house is

(6:15)  **jackpot** : *mansion

(6:15)  **Emperor Nero** : *overcompensating much?

(6:16)  **jackpot** : dam okie

(6:16)  **jackpot** : did u bring kyrie?

(6:16)  **Emperor Nero** : Hell yeah I did

_**Emperor Nero** added  **Your muse** to the chat._

**_Emperor Nero_** _changed the chat name to_ : "the Sparda kids +1"

(6:16) **Your** **muse** : Hey guys! :D

(6:16) **Your**   **muse** : This is my first time in Red Grave, so please take care of me ^^

(6:17) **Your**   **muse** : I'll try not to make a fool of myself in front of Nero's family [EMOJI: determined] but please bear with me in the meantime

(6:17)  **jackpot** : kyrie my sweet precious summer child

(6:18)  **jackpot** : never change

_**Vergil** has joined the chat._

(6:18)  ** **Vergil**** : Finally, someone who isn't an idiot.

(6:18)  ** **Vergil**** : Hello, Kyrie.

(6:18) **Your**   **muse** : Hi V! :D

(6:20)  **Emperor Nero** : Oh, so you let  _her_ call you V but when I do it I'm ignored?

(6:20)  **Emperor Nero** : Smh

(6:21) **Your**   **muse** : That's because Kyrie ain't a little bitch

(6:22)  **jackpot** : ????!!??

(6:23)  **Emperor Nero** : NICO GET OUT OF THE GROUP CHAT

(6:23)  **Emperor Nero** : YOU'RE NOT A PART OF THE FAMILY

(6:23) **Your**   **muse** : Then why'd you invite me to your family reunion, _idiot_?

(6:25)  **jackpot** : !!

(6:25)  **jackpot** : i'll do it

_**jackpot** added  **Horny on main** to the chat._

**_Horny on main_ ** _has joined the chat._

(6:26)  **Horny on main** : Thanks babe [EMOJI: kissy face]

(6:26)  **jackpot** : anything for u babe [EMOJI: kissy face]

(6:26)  **Emperor Nero** : No

(6:28)  **Horny on main** : Suck my dick Nero

(6:28)  **Horny on main** : So when were y'all gonna tell me that DV were rich? [EMOJI: thinking face]

(6:29)  **jackpot** : nico babe, if u wanted a sugar daddy u could've just asked

(6:30)  **Horny on main** : Ew no you're a twink

(6:30)  **Horny on main** : That automatically eliminates you from the sponsor pool

(6:31) **Your**   **muse** : Preach!!

(6:32)  **Emperor Nero** : Don't encourage her, Kyrie

(6:34)  **jackpot** : i,,, i'm

(6:34)  **jackpot** : a t,twink?

(6:34)  **Emperor Nero** : OKAY EVERYONE OUT OF THE CAR

(6:39)  **Emperor Nero** : Dante did you get a haircut?

(6:39)  **jackpot** : yah

(6:39)  **Emperor Nero** : Gross

(6:40)  **Emperor Nero** : GASP AUNT EVA

(6:40)  **Emperor Nero** : I love your mom

(6:40)  **Emperor Nero** : Her hugs are the best. So soft and warm

(6:42)  ** **Vergil**** : Stay away from my mom.

(6:42)  **Emperor Nero** : Make me [EMOJI: fists]

(6:45) **Your**   **muse** : @ **Emperor Nero** @ **Vergil** No fighting before dinner boys

(6:45) **Horny on main** : @ **Your muse** I'll get the camera


	3. meet n' greet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Family reunions are never as simple as they seem.

**The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
nothing like a good family reunion to end the day

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
the problem with having the entire sparda family in one room is that we collectively own two brain cells. dad has one, verge and i share the other, which leaves nero with nothing, nada, not a single intelligent thought

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
that's why he's such a dumbass :)

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
they're pulling into the driveway! credo's driving, thank god. i no longer trust nico after she tried to vault her van over a bridge

* * *

 ** ** **The Inferno******  @woohoopizzaman  
the  _audacity_  
[ATTACHMENT: screenshot of a group chat. The account "Horny on main" says in two separate texts, "Ew no you’re a twink”, “that automatically eliminates you from the sponsor pool”]

 ** ** **The Inferno******  @woohoopizzaman  
poll time! am i:  
a twink (1051 votes, 86%)  
a bear (122 votes, 10%)  
other (49 votes, 4%)

 ** ** **The Inferno******  @woohoopizzaman ** **  
**** I'M A TWUNK DAMMIT

* * *

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
!!! just realized that this will be nero's first formal meeting with dad. simultaneously worried and intrigued

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
some of dad's jokes are,, really bad,,,

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
one time he asked me to take out the garbage and when i asked him why he looked at me and deadpanned, "isn't that where you belong?" 

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
another time he got annoyed at vergil for sneaking out in the middle of the night so he recorded he and mom making exaggerated sex noises and rigged the tape recorder so that it’d play every time it detected movement in the hallway

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
there's nothing more terrifying than getting up to piss and hearing your parents doing the do right outside your room

* * *

 ** ** **The Inferno******  @woohoopizzaman ** **  
**** oh man the fortuna kids are gonna  _freak_ when they see who's greeting them at the door

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
why’s nero being so polite?? it’s weird, put him back 

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
he hugged mom, but when it came to dad's turn he was all like "hello sir uncle sparda it’s nice to finally meet you :D” and then he shook his hand (!!) who is this kid and what has he done to nero??

 ** ** **The Inferno**  ****@woohoopizzaman ** **  
**** good news: no one's passed out yet. bad news: nico's hyperventilating and i think kyrie and credo are about to cry. 

* * *

 ** ** **The Inferno**  ****@woohoopizzaman ** **  
**** help credo just pulled me aside and told me in a very serious tone of voice how grateful he was to me for giving him a chance to meet my dad

 ** ** **The Inferno**  ****@woohoopizzaman ** **  
**** what do i do

 ** ** **The Inferno**  ****@woohoopizzaman ** **  
**** do i scream, do i say "no problem", do i play it off????

 ** **The Inferno**  **@woohoopizzaman  
somehow the conversation turned from "sparda's your dad??" to "religious symbols in science" to "favorite pizza toppings" (apparently credo puts mayo on his pizza, which makes me reconsider my opinion of him as kyrie’s cool older brother)

 ** ** **The Inferno**  ****@woohoopizzaman ** **  
**** iNteLigGeNT cOnVErSaTioNs? not in this house

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
dad @ credo: "i'm glad nero has such a strong role model to look up to"  
kyrie: "but he cried when the season finale of the office aired"  
if you didn't cry when the office ended then you're a monster

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
i'm just kidding kyrie i love you (please don't kill me nero)

* * *

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
LASAGNA??!?1 [dante.exe has stopped working]

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
the only thing faster than light is nico when she smells food

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
we,,, ate six pots of lasagna in under ten minutes......... good thing trish isn’t here, otherwise even 20 pots wouldn’t be enough

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
credo looks like he’s two seconds away from declaring mom the god of his new religion 

* * *

 **T** **he Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
"i'm so pleased that you were able to visit us, nero. i've heard so many good things about you" don't ask about the statue, don't ask about the statue, don't ask— "so i heard there's a statue of me in your hometown?" FUCK

 **T** **he Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
@fortunasbestboy we destroyed that thing, right? when we visit fortuna there won't be a giant statue of my dad in the church, right??

* * *

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
i'm surprised nico hasn't made any dirty jokes yet

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
never mind jinxed it

 **The Inferno** @woohoopizzaman  
kyrie @ mom: "the lasagna is amazing! how did you make it so moist?”  
nico: "you know what else is moist ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)"

 **The Inferno** @woohoopizzaman  
did,, did dad just laugh

* * *

 **T** **he Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
actual conversation overheard at the dinner table:  
vergil: don't you dare put your grubby hands on my stuff  
nero: i'm not touching your stuff  
vergil: i can feel you thinking about it—DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF.

* * *

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
so we were talking about nero's high school life (ha!) when this happened:  
mom: "you know what's worse than high school? sleeping with your dad"  
mom: "wait that came out wrong"  
mom: "i meant like in the same room!!"  
dad: "honey are you saying you’re dissatisfied with our sex life? :("

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
nico stop laughing!!

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
this is more than i've ever needed to know about my parents’ sex life

* * *

 **The Inferno** @woohoopizzaman  
nero just called verge "a gothic poetry nerd". vergil looks like he's contemplating homicide.

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
update: nero has challenged vergil to an arm-wrestling match #placeyourbets

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
update: v is losing???

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
update: the table broke in half, there's lasagna on my lap, and dad’s scolding verge for going all-out in an arm-wrestlingmatch. tbh i don't think v has much of an excuse for losing to his baby cousin

* * *

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
hiding in the bathroom to avoid chores

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
@fhqwerty do you know how many plates we used tonight? no way am i doing the dishes

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
okay i think i'm safe for nosghkjtrhjkkdfghjkl

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
Nero here. Aunt Eva dragged Dante out of the bathroom and is forcing him to do his chores. Don't worry, he'll be back.

* * *

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
I'M BACK

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
on the bright side, no one died

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
on the not-so-bright side, the kitchen's practically drowning in soap duds and i'm pretty sure we permanently dyed kyrie's hair pink. but it's fine!! everything's fine

* * *

 ** ** **The Inferno****  **@woohoopizzaman  
why,,, did we think this was a good idea

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
suggesting that we play monopoly after dinner was a mistake. letting kyrie and nico team up was a mistake. believing that vergil wouldn't stab me in the back the first chance he got was a mistake

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
kyrie and nico keep making illegal transactions behind our backs and dad refuses to admit that it's cheating

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
"they're making educated choices to ensure their victory, dante, there's nothing wrong with that" WELL THEIR EDUCATED CHOICES ARE MAKING ME LOSE

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
at this point i feel like mom and dad are just trolling us

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
I KEEP LANDING ON THEIR PROPERTY?? this house is a nightmare

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
vergil just threw his money onto the ground and left the table. i'm half-tempted to join him

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
HOW THE FUCK DID CREDO LAND IN JAIL AGAIN ASHGJKJFDKHHAJ i feel bad for the poor dude

 **The Inferno**  @woohoopizzaman  
guess who just got all four railroads  
[ATTACHMENT: a picture of a monopoly game board. A prosthetic hand flies across the screen in a blur, inches away from hitting the white-haired boy's head as he holds four cards to the camera with a wide grin on his face.]

* * *

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman  
It's Nero again. Dante's currently out of commission (coughtotallydidn'tknockhimoutcough) so I'm taking over. Follow me @fortunasbestboy #shamelessplug

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman  
@KatieRobinsons I have a girlfriend?? I don't know why you're asking but I'm definitely not single

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman  
Holy shit you guys have a lot of questions. How the fuck does Dante deal with this every day?

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman  
@archi038d5a A) Yes the white hair is natural B) Dante is my second cousin once-removed or something, I don't know the specifics C) Why would I tell you the color of Dante's boxers? How would I know the color of Dante's boxers??

* * *

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman  
Experience tells me that I need to keep cranking out a steady stream of content or the Twitter algorithm will eat this account, so here's my running commentary of the Sparda reunion

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman  
Credo is in jail and has been for the past fifteen minutes. Dante is crying. Nico and Kyrie are doing fairly well, but that's because they're fucking cheaters.

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman  
I don't know where Vergil went and I don't really care.

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman  
Pop quiz! Who's at the door?

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman  
A) the pizza man, who finally found his way through the front yard, B) Vergil, who's returned from his sulkfest, or C) Trish

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman  
Answer: D) none of the above. You know Lady? Scary, bazooka-carrying Dante’s-best-friend Lady? Yeah. What the fuck is Lady doing at our door?

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman  
Ohhhhhhh I get it now

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman  
Dante you sentimental idiot

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman  
[ATTACHMENT: a video. The camera ducks behind a banister and peeks over at the two figures standing at the top of the steps, half-obscured by a brilliant chandelier. A low voice mutters, "Holy shit," as the white-haired boy rubs the back of his head, then procures a bouquet of slightly crushed orchids from behind his back. The dark-haired girl cocks an eyebrow and crosses her arms. 

The white-haired boy says something inaudible, making the girl roll her eyes. Her response is snappy and irritable, and the boy looks cowed.

"Come on, Dante.” The camera is jostled, zooming in on the boy's abashed expression. "Don't fuck this up."

Before the girl can respond, a woman offscreen shouts, "Dante, are you hogging Lady to yourself? Come back so she can join us for Monopoly!” to which there are several protests and a scream of, "Do you  _want_ to make all of us lose?"

The boy laughs. “In a minute, Mom!" He turns back to the girl and cocks his head in a question. _Peace?_

The girl lets the silence drag on for a second longer before she heaves a sigh and snatches the orchids from the boy's hands. Then she sweeps her arms to the side and gestures for a hug. Without hesitation, the boy lunges into her embrace. Over his head, the camera catches a glimpse her fond, yet exasperated expression as she pats him on the back.

Then, as the boy draws back, she leans forward and mutters something into his ear that makes him tense. Before the camera person can react, the girl's gaze flickers down and locks on the camera. Her brows furrow.

"Nero?"

The video cuts to back.

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman  
Gotta go

* * *

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman  
i left this place for five minutes and this is what i come back to

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman  
@fortunasbestboy look at what you’ve done, you’ve ruined my lowercase aesthetic

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman9  
welp. dad won (obviously). i think we all saw this coming (except for nico who's being a sore loser and challenging dad to a (kool-aid) drinking contest)

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman  
tune in tomorrow at nine to watch lawyer dad sparda utterly  _demolish_ smol southern-american child in a (kool-aid) drinking contest

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman  
i want to specify that's a kool-aid drinking contest so we don't get arrested for underage drinking but also because i'm afraid that my relationship with the mi5 agent in my phone will be ruined once they see what i've been up to :((

* * *

 ** **The Inferno****  @woohoopizzaman  
alright guys that's it for today! good night, sleep tight, don't let the vergil bugs bite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you tell that i love ridiculous sparda headcanons


	4. misadventures at the mansion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this comes a bit late, but...
> 
> happy pride month!! reminder that dante’s pan, vergil’s probably aro/ace, and nico’s a proud lesbian!!

**who's the lady** @dontcallmemary  
The fuck when you’re mad at him for ditching but then he shows up with flowers and invites you to a Disney marathon with the rest of his extended family  
[ATTACHMENT: picture of a living room. Six people are piled on one couch in front of a massive flatscreen TV, swathed in a gigantic blanket that swallows them in pink.]

 **Um What** @jklol  
@dontcallmemary ummmm keep him?? he's obviously a catch

 **who's the lady** @dontcallmemary  
@jklol Unfortunately he likes pineapple pizza and I don't date degenerates

* * *

 _**My Fair Lady**_ _has joined the chat._

(8:36) **My Fair Lady** : You helped him with the flowers, didn’t you?

(8:40) **My Fair Lady** : I know for a fact that Dante doesn't have enough brain capacity to remember that I like orchids

(8:40)  **My Fair Lady** : And he definitely didn't plan on inviting me to the reunion

_**My Fair Lady** is typing..._

(8:56)  **My Fair Lady** : No response?

(8:56)  **My Fair Lady** : Well, in any case, thanks

(8:56)  **My Fair Lady** : Guess you aren’t a total asshole after all 

* * *

(9:20)  **Your muse** : @ **Credo** Get over here

(9:20)  **Horny on main** : @ **Credo** @ ** **Credo**** @ ** ** **Credo******

(9:20)  **Emperor Nero** : @ **Credo** We need your incredible police cadet brain to settle an argument

(9:20)  **Your muse** : @ **Credo** Big brooooooooooooo

_******Credo******  has joined the chat._

(9:21)  **Credo** : What?

(9:21)  **Credo** : Oh

(9:21)  **Credo** : I feel left out

_**Credo**  changed their name to **In-Credo-ble**._

(9:21)  **In-** **Credo-ble** : Much better

(9:21)  **In-** **Credo-ble** : So what did you need me for?

(9:21)  **Your muse** : Scroll up :)

(9:21)  **In-** **Credo-ble** : ...?

(9:23)  **In-** **Credo-ble** : Oh

(9:23)  **In-** **Credo-ble** : _Oh_

 _ ** ** **In-Credo-ble******  has exited the chat._ 

(9:24)  **Emperor Nero** : CREDO COME BACK

(9:24)  **Your muse** : Don't be a baby, Credo >:( 

 _ ** ** **In-Credo-ble******  has joined_ _the chat._  

(9:24)  **In-** **Credo-ble** : First of all: why?

(9:24)  **Horny on main** : Because we're curious

(9:24)  **Emperor Nero** : Because Kyrie's 90% of our impulse control

(9:24)  **Your muse** : :)

(9:25)  **In-** **Credo-ble** : How sacrilegious 

(9:25)  **Your muse** : "hOw sAcrRiLegIOuS"

(9:25)  **Your muse** : Brother you're a coward

(9:25)  **Your muse** : Nico change his name to "coward"

(9:25)  **Horny on main** : On it!

(9:25)  **In-** **Credo-ble** : I don't understand why it matters

(9:26)  **In-** **Credo-ble** : In fact, we shouldn't be talking about Dante's virginity at all

(9:26)  **Emperor Nero** : Um I refuse to believe that Dante knows what sex is

(9:26)  **Horny on main** : OH MY GOD

(9:26)  **Horny on main** : Nero

(9:26)  **Horny on main** : My pal

(9:26)  **Horny on main** : My bud

(9:26)  **Horny on main** : My naive British friendo

(9:26)  **Horny on main** : I don't know if ya noticed but Dante is hot

(9:26)  **Horny on main** : _Smoking_ hot

(9:26)  **Emperor Nero** : No

(9:27)  **Emperor Nero** : NO

(9:27)  **Horny on main** : Abs

(9:27)  **Emperor Nero** : NO

(9:27)  **Horny on main** : Pretty hair

(9:27)  **Emperor Nero** : STOP IT HE'S SITTING RIGHT THERE

(9:27)  **Your muse** : @ **Horny on main** @ **Emperor Nero** Ladies ladies!! No need to fight, you’re both equally pretty

(9:27)  **Your muse** : In any case, why don’t we ask him ourselves? 

(9:27)  **Emperor Nero** : Kyrie no

_**My muse** added  **jackpot** to the chat._

(9:27)  **Emperor Nero** : KYRIE NO

(9:28) **Horny on main** : WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT

_**In-Credo-ble** has exited the chat_

(9:28) **Emperor Nero** : KYRIE WHY

(9:28)  **Horny on main** : ABORT ABORT ABORT

_**jackpot** has joined the chat._

(9:28)  **jackpot** : ? what's going on?

(9:28)  **Your muse** : Hi Dante :)

_**jackpot** is typing..._

_**jackpot** is typing..._

_**jackpot** has exited the chat._

* * *

(9:37)  **jackpot** : i...

(9:37)  **jackpot** : i think i saw something i wasn't supposed to

(9:38)  **jackpot** : i don't know what’s happening

(9:38)  **jackpot** : verge??

* * *

 **The Inferno** @woohoopizzaman  
..........revenge

* * *

 ** _jackpot_ ** _has joined the chat._

 **_jackpot_ ** _changed the chat name to_ : "3... 2.... 1....."

(5:05) **jackpot** : RISE AND SHINE, MY BRETHREN

(5:05) **jackpot** : R U READY FOR A NEW DAY?

(5:05) **jackpot** : [sunshine.mp3]

(5:05) **jackpot** : I CAN'T HEAR U SO THAT MUST MEAN I'M NOT LOUD ENOUGH

(5:05) **jackpot** : WOOOOHOOOOOOOOO

 **_**My Fair Lady** _ ** _is typing..._

 ** _Emperor Nero_** _is typing..._

 ** _Horny on main_** _is typing..._

 ** _Your muse_** _is typing..._

 **_Trishalicious_** _is typing..._

(5:06) **Trishalicious** : bye

 **_Trishalicious_** _has exited the chat._

(5:06)  **My Fair Lady** : Seriously? >:[

(5:06) **Emperor Nero** : WTF DANTE

(5:06) **Horny on main** : Shut. Up.

(5:06) **Your muse** : Stooopppp I'm still sleepy :(

(5:07) **jackpot** : lmaoooooo

(5:07) **jackpot** : none of u r going back to bed until i say so

(5:07)  **My Fair Lady** : Honestly considering blocking you again

(5:07) **Emperor Nero** : Dante why are you doing this???

(5:08) **jackpot** : because my alarm went off five minutes ago and i want u to suffer with me :)

(5:13) **jackpot** : hey i got something that'll wake u up

(5:13) **jackpot** : [letthegamesbegin.jpg]

(5:14) **jackpot** : it's last box of lucky charms :)

(5:14) **jackpot** : and there's only enough for four of us :)

(5:14) **jackpot** : u know what that means :)

 **_Emperor Nero_ ** _has exited the chat._

 **_Your muse_ ** _has exited the chat._

 **_Horny on main_ ** _has exited the chat._

 ** _My Fair Lady_** _has exited the chat._

(5:17) **jackpot** : LMAO

(5:17) **jackpot** : i can hear them fighting upstairs

(5:17) **jackpot** : i love sundays

 ****_jackpot_**** _has exited the chat._

* * *

 **The Inferno** @woohoopizzaman  
we get pretty heated up about our lucky charms  
[ATTACHMENT: a shaky video. A purple figure shoves through the clutter of people and lunges for the box of cereal on the kitchen counter, sending the camera crashing to the floor. Through the chaos, someone shouts, half-laughing, “Dad?”]

* * *

Welcome to PAPA'S PIZZA! We cater to all your weird pizza cravings. 

Story of the Day:

"Some random dude (super tall, long hair) came up to me while I was working at Zupa's Cafe and asked where he could buy some blood oranges. I told him that they were out of season and he looked super disappointed. 'People these days take no initiative,' he complained. 'Can't you just make some?' ....How do I explain to this guy that you can't _make_ blood oranges?"

-Anonymous

Shop hours:

Mon-Fri: OPEN 24 HOURS

Sat: 6AM-12AM

Sun: 6AM-10PM

Please fill out your order in the form below!

ORDER:

[pizza for breakfast!! hell yeah]

 ~~two large pizz~~  

  * five large pizzas



~~Pineapple wit~~

~~Olives and mushrooms~~  [no olives!!]

  * Pepperoni, sausage, ~~onions,~~ peppers, mushrooms
  * Combo 2 + Combo 5
  * -marinara dip, +mayo
  * Six large sodas



[Doodle of a silver-haired chibi giving a thumbs-up] ["Good luck, pizza guys!"]

LOCATION:

1 Fury Drive, Red Grave

(big brown house with red shingles. top of the hill, can't miss it)

DELIVER BY:

~~preferably before we die~~  7AM

NOTES:

Send your cutest delivery girl <3

~~nico no~~

* * *

(6:40)  **jackpot** : hey nico dad wants u to meet him outside

(6:44)  **Horny on main** : YEET

(6:44)  **Horny on main** : Y'all ready to see me destroy Dante's papa?

(6:45) **Emperor Nero:** @ **My Fair Lady** Ten bucks on Sparda

(6:45)  **Horny on main** : [EMOJI: middle finger]

(6:46)  **Your muse** : Hmmm....

(6:46)  **Your muse** : I don't know :[

(6:46)  **Your muse** : I've seen Nico drink grown men to the ground

(6:46)  **jackpot** : ,,,are we still talking about kool-aid?

(6:46)  **Your muse** : Oh

(6:47)  **Your muse** : OH!

(6:47)  **Your muse** : Forget I said anything ^^"

(6:47)  **Your muse** : 5 dollars on Nico!

(6:47)  **My Fair Lady** : Right, we got 10:Sparda, 5:Nico

(6:48)  **jackpot** : hnnnnnnnnnn

(6:48)  **jackpot** : i love u nico man, but i gotta go with dad

(6:48)  **Horny on main** : DANTE

(6:48)  **jackpot** : I'M SORRY

(6:48)  **Horny on main** : Whatever

(6:48)  **Horny on main** : Just watch

(6:48)  **Horny on main** : I'll show y'all

\--

(7:04)  **jackpot** : oh shit

(7:04)  **jackpot** : pizza's here

(7:05)  **Emperor Nero** : Ashjfjhgjkadh

(7:05)  **Emperor Nero** : DON'T LET HER SEE NICO

(7:06)  **Your muse** : Dante, can you distract the pizza lady while Nero and I can bring Nico inside?

(7:06)  **jackpot** : distract her u say? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(7:06)  **My Fair Lady** : Well your titty strap is already distracting enough so

(7:07)  **jackpot** : hey

(7:07)  **jackpot** : my titty strap is peak fashion and u know it

(7:07)  **Your muse** : She's coming up the hill!

(7:07)  **Emperor Nero** : MOVE IT PEOPLE

(7:09)  **jackpot** : HA the delivery girl’s actually pretty cute 

(7:09)  **jackpot** : wait

(7:09)  **jackpot** : hol up

(7:09)  **jackpot** : is that patty?????

* * *

(7:11)  **jackpot** : bet u wish u were here rn

(7:11)  **jackpot** : [ATTACHMENT: picture of a front yard. Two teenagers are trying drag a dark-haired body out of sight before a blonde girl in a pizzeria uniform reaches the top of the hill.]

(7:12)  **Trishalicious** : ....do i want to know?


	5. raise your hand if you feel personally victimized by finals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Fortuna kids go home. Meanwhile, finals.

(10:04)  **In-Credo-ble** : I shared the checklist. Did you guys get it?

(10:04)  **Your muse** : Yup! Packed and ready to go :)

(10:05)  **Emperor Nero** : Why's "cutlery" on here

(10:05)  **Horny on main** : First of all it's  _silverware,_ jfc brits

(10:05)  **Horny on main** : Second of all it's OBVIOUS

(10:05)  **Horny on main** : We're stealin their shit

(10:05)  **In-Credo-ble** : No

(10:06)  **In-Credo-ble** : Mrs. Eva was generous enough to gift us a set of cutlery as a sort of "welcome to the family" present

(10:06)  **In-Credo-ble** : And yes, they're real silver. That doesn't mean you're allowed to steal them

(10:06)  **In-Credo-ble** : @ **Horny on main**

(10:06)  **Horny on main** : Dam

(10:06)  **Horny on main** : Thwarted again by Credo's sense of justice

(10:07)  **Emperor Nero** : Well he is a police so

(10:07)  **Horny on main** : "he is a police" wtf is wrong with you

(10:07)  **Emperor Nero** : [EMOJI: middle finger]

(10:07)  **Your muse** : He can be bribed with banana walnut bread UwU

(10:07)  **In-Credo-ble** : KYRIE

(10:07)  **Horny on main** : Nice

(10:30) **In-Credo-ble** : So what did we think of Sparda? 

(10:31)  **Your muse** : He's nice! :D

(10:31)  **Horny on main** : The books lied to us

(10:31)  **Horny on main** : Where bug horns

(10:31)  **Horny on main** : whERE BUG HORNS??

(10:32) **Emperor Nero** : He's like Dante but cooler

(10:32)  **Emperor Nero** : Discount Dante

(10:32) **In-Credo-ble** : Discount Dante?

(10:32) **Your muse** : DISCOUNT DANTE X'D

(10:32) **Horny on main** : Nah ya mean Dante’s discount Sparda

(10:32) **Emperor Nero** : ahdkfkkdkalf

(10:32) **Emperor Nero** : Yes

(10:32) **In-Credo-ble** : At least we pulled a fast one on Christianity

(10:33) **In-Credo-ble** : How many Christians can say that they shook Jesus' hand?

(10:33) **Your muse** : Ate Jesus' lasagna

(10:34) **Horny on main** : Pissed in Jesus' bathroom

(10:34) **Emperor Nero** : Wait wouldn't D+V be Jesus in this analogy

(10:34) **Emperor Nero** : Since technically Sparda's God and D+V are his sons

(10:34) **Horny on main** : @ **Emperor Nero** threw an arm at Jesus

(10:34) **Your muse** : @ **Emperor Nero** destroyed Jesus in an arm-wrestling contest

(10:34) **In-Credo-ble** : @ **Emperor Nero** kicked Jesus in the face

(10:34) **Emperor Nero** : Well that was uncalled for

* * *

 **The Inferno** @woohoopizzaman  
stressed about finals? not getting enough sleep? for just £3.99 i'll personally TELEPORT to your house and MURDER you in your sleep so you'll never have to worry about college again!! :D limited offer, eu only

 **lucky star07**  @happygolucky  
@woohoopizzaman @reilly Have I ever told you how much of a Mood this man is

 **Rei Ryan**  @reilly  
@woohoopizzaman @happygolucky LMAO

* * *

(10:45)  **jackpot** : hello

(10:45)  **jackpot** : i heard u come in through the back

(10:45)  **jackpot** : where’ve u been?

(10:46)  **Vergil** : Drinking away my sorrows.

(10:46)  **jackpot** : haha very funny

(10:46)  **Vergil** : What's funny is that you think I'm joking.

(10:47)  **jackpot** : OKAY

(10:47)  **jackpot** : pls tell me u have enough generosity left in u to help me with my final

(10:47)  **jackpot** : if i dont get a double-first mom will kill me

(10:48)  **Vergil** : What's in it for me?

(10:48)  **jackpot** : i will......

(10:48)  **jackpot** : clean our room for a week

(10:48)  **Vergil** : One month.

(10:48)  **jackpot** : 2 weeks

(10:48)  **Vergil** : Done.

(10:48)  **Vergil** : So what's the issue?

(10:49)  **jackpot** : i have no idea what to write for this essay

(10:49)  **Vergil** : And?

(10:49)  **jackpot** : what did u do ur final on

(10:50) **Vergil** : I calculated the empirical/molecular formula of new complex hydrocarbon using its carbonate and bicarbonate forms. It acts as a catalyst for spontaneous muscle decomposition and endergonic regeneration.

(10:50)  **jackpot** : oh so it's a steroid

(10:50)  **Vergil** : In the simplest terms, yes. More specifically, it acts as a catalyst that shifts equilibrium in a direction that favors decomposed muscle tissue and

(10:50)  **jackpot** : okee imma stop u there

(10:50)  **jackpot** : ur not being helpful at all

(10:50)  **jackpot** : when ru gonna put all that knowledge to good use?

(10:50)  **Vergil** : Dante, your idea of "putting chemistry knowledge to good use" is to make concentrated crystal meth.

(10:50)  **jackpot** : yes?

(10:51)  **Vergil** : I'm not going to become a drug dealer.

(10:51)  **jackpot** : but imagine!!

(10:51)  **jackpot** : we get demons so high that they throw themselves off the nearest cliff and kill themselves

(10:51)  **jackpot** : it's a fool-proof plan

(10:51)  **Vergil** : I don't think it's possible for demons to get high.

(10:51)  **jackpot** : hey

(10:51)  **jackpot** : don't knock it until you've tried it

_**Vergil** is typing..._

_**Vergil** is typing... _

(10:52)  **Vergil** : Ask Lady. She's in your class.

(10:52)  **jackpot** : pfffffffgjkfdsjdfgf ok fine

* * *

Dante Jacobs  
Political Science in a Post-modern World  
Professor Aiden Evans  
6/1

**The Effects of Theology on Comparative Politics**

~~In world history, only one name has remained as prevalent as~~

~~We grew up on stories of the legendary dark kni~~

As priests of the gods, ancient Roman augurs held high positions in government, lauded as both mouthpieces of the divine and speakers for the commonwealth; in modern times, one never fails to find the current Pope of Vatican City mentioned in every political commentary piece from Europe to China [1]. Curiously, this phenomenon has even affected the ever secular United States, whose government remains strictly separate from its church—or so it claims [2].

Time and time again, it has proven impossible to separate the faithful from the atheist, the worshipper from the nonbeliever. Religious icons never stray far from the center stage of politics. Such is the case with twin cities Fortuna and Red Grave, separated topographically by a sparse forest yet ideologically by a vast canyon that neither are willing to traverse [3].

For those who are unaware, Fortuna has been a highly pious city since its founding in the late to mid-fifteenth century. Red Grave, on the other hand, operates under a traditional regional government more akin to its neighboring cities of London and Oxford [4]. As religious as modern day society is, it becomes inevitable that God, or at least the idea of _a_ god, seeps into their politics [5].

I am, of course, referring to the legend of the legendary dark knight, who has been a vital component of global history since the first centuries BC, first appearing in ancient Egyptian tombs as the pharaoh's friend and guardian in the afterlife and later in Chinese  _guohua_ as a  _xian_ -like creature who serves directly under the Jade Emperor [6]. Though historians argue who or what this figure represents, every major civilization from the Aztecs to those of the Indus Valley hides some allegory in their lore, making it difficult to parse myth from reality [7].

Abigail Walkington, author of "In Regards to Myths and Legends: how they affect us today", writes, "We soothe our children with stories of the legendary dark knight. Our schools weave its story into their curriculums, integrating the myth as deeply as mathematics or science. It is no wonder, then, that our culture is pervaded by this single mythical figure who saved our world by betraying his kind" [8]. This, at least, seems to be a common theme between variations, despite major world powers perverting this already convoluted legend to suit their agenda.

If not their theology, then what causes the difference between the twin cities? What makes Fortuna a port town built on church and worship, while Red Grave shuns those stories as folksongs and lore?

Reputed scholars attribute this dissonance to their differing attitudes towards this myth: "By scrutinizing [both cities] with an objective eye, they reveal themselves to be antitheses, perhaps even contradictory... The root of one lies in adoration; the other, respect." [9].

[...]

* * *

(2:07)  **jackpot** : [myfinalpleatogod.docx]

(2:07)  **jackpot** : on a scale of nero to vergil, how likely am i to ace this final

_**My Fair Lady** has joined the chat._

(2:10)  **My Fair Lady** : Surprisingly?

(2:10)  **My Fair Lady** : Vergil

(2:11)  **jackpot** : YES

(2:11)  **jackpot** : imma make mom proud

(2:12)  **My Fair Lady** : So

(2:12)  **My Fair Lady** : Why didn't you put this much work into our group presentation

(2:12)  **jackpot** : because

(2:12)  **My Fair Lady** : Yeah?

_**jackpot** is typing..._

(2:12)  **jackpot** : Um

(2:12)  **jackpot** : i just realized this has the potential to make u v pissed off

(2:12)  **jackpot** : so imma just

(2:12)  **My Fair Lady** : Dante

(2:12)  **jackpot** : becauseiwaslazyandthoughtyoucouldhandlealltheworkbyyourselfsinceyouresosmartandall

_**My Fair Lady** is typing..._

_**My Fair Lady** is typing..._

(2:13)  **My Fair Lady** : You know what?

(2:13)  **My Fair Lady** : Fair enough

(2:13)  **My Fair Lady** : But you still owe me

(2:14)  **jackpot** : as long as it doesn't get me a fist to the face im cool with anything

(2:14)  **My Fair Lady** : Anything, you say?

* * *

_Recent searches on Google_

how to build a rokcet   
how to build a _rocket_  
where to buy supples for rocket  
how to hide from mi5  
possible to run from mi5??

 _Suggested for you:_ "So You Wanna be a Criminal: a 5-minute tutorial (Not Clickbait!)"  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the twins took eva's last name, aka jacobs. typing out "dante jacobs" feels so weird to me, but so does "dante sparda" :[ lesser evil, i guess
> 
> i'm pulling most of this out of my ass, i'm so sorry to all actual political science/chemistry majors out there. most of this comes from my rudimentary knowledge of ap comparative government/ap chem from high school.


End file.
